A Yellow Snow (follow-up) Moral

The snow came down, just like they said,
2-4 inches, right on the head

Toasty & warm, it was so nice
‘Til the text came in, “Hey, I need a ride”

I looked outside, to sheets of white
What the hell, this isn’t right

How to respond, what do I say
“Call a guy, ‘cause hell, no way”

“Have you no friends to call instead”
I want to stay, and drink beer in bed

Drat’s that man for asking me
I know I’m gonna hit a tree

Ugh!

2hrs into the onslaught, I’m in my car of ice
With more than trepidation, I pray they cancel the flight

I approach the road with much dismay
Bumper cars? Hey, on the way.

Is the highway really the place to be
70, doesn’t sound good to me

As I enter the onramp, with a white knuckle grip
Oh how I pray these tires don’t slip

The traffic’s at 40, they’re in no hurry here
And, I left home early, with much time to spare

I slip, then I grip, then I coast, and I slide
What would be the price for this wild ride?

I pray those behind me, don’t follow my tracks
The road here is straight, but, I’ve cut a switchback

I arrive at the airport, 9:20 you say
Without a minute to spare, I’m on-time, no way

The night schedule’s short, 9 flights in, none out
So, I wait in my car, as it’s 22 out

The next text comes in, “we’re still at the gate”
What the hell can I do, so I sit here and wait

Then 2hrs after, my short trip begins
The plane’s in the air, they won’t be socked in

When they finally touch down, and the bag’s in my car
He takes over the wheel, as we won’t travel far

Being from the mid-west, he can handle the snow
So he puts it in drive, and then off we go

Back on the freeway, with cars up ahead
He approaches with caution, the brake lights of red

He then inches over, he’s trying to pass
He lets the car coast, then gives it some gas

Our ass end it swings, first left, then swings right
Then harder it swings, like a pendulums flight

He’s cranking the wheel, over-correcting I think
Then it all happened, as quick as a blink

Like a deer in the road, I face oncoming lights
Now, we’re going backwards, boy this isn’t right

I shouldn’t be here, but be home instead
By my fire all toasty, or snug up in bed

But instead, I am stuck on the side of the road
I’m freezing my ass off, ankle deep in the snow

Thank God we’re alive, nearly been in a wreak
But, the cold air it hits me, as I get out to check

I knew I could make it, but, still had to go
And before I knew it, it started to flow

I wanted to stop it, oh how I tried
I could’ve just sat, in my own pee and cried

Like a kid on the playground, that still wants to play
Without interruption, I shrank 4 feet that day

With my bladder relieved, I slunk into my car
And prayed not to stink up, the inside of the car

I was bathing in warmth, so I turned off the heat
And, sat on my hands to keep my ass off the seat

When we finally reached home, and because of the flood
I couldn’t open my door, from my hands loss of blood

My friend, he just laughed, from the look on my face
He couldn’t get out, he was frozen in place

I wanted inside, to get out of this heat
But, instead I just sat there, and peed on my seat

Not to be outdone, he just laughed while I cried
And, he peed on my seat, while he sat at my side

My car was now dangerous, toxic at best
So, we both scurried out, to get out of this mess

Once in the house, we were stat with our showers
Then drank beer by the fire, as we sat there for hours

As we stared out the window, at the snow sheet of white
He said, “Only a fool would be driving tonight”

This story is true friend, ne’er every word
To tell you I peed on myself, how absurd

Only a fool would confess, such embarrassing things
For sheer entertainment, what good would that bring?

The moral is this, should you take any away
Just heed my advice, as there’s no more to say

Before you go driving in snow for a friend
Just buy plastic sheets, it’ll make sense in the end

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We Don’t Like No Stinking Snow (either)!

We failed to see the dawn today
They say that snow is on the way

The sky is cloudy, and wind is cold
2-4, we’re being told

So, grab your beer, and grab your bread
Apparently, there’s snow ahead

Find your mittens, find your gloves
Find your parka, find your Ugs

Salt your walks, and cover your car
If you’re trapped where you’re at, I hope it’s a bar

But, if you drive, just chain your tires
I’ll be home, beside my fire

And, I won’t go out, once it falls
‘Cause it’s cold outside as Frosty’s balls

But, if you decide to frolic & play
For you, I have one thing to say

When the cold air hits ya & you have to go
Write your name, or, I don’t know

Go ahead boys, let it flow
Just don’t eat the yellow snow

796-yellow-snow

5 Reasons I’m moving to the beach…..

So, I’ve weighed out a list of pro’s vs con’s on why I’m moving to the beach, and, while there are still a few cons, I told myself that if I could come up with 5 good reasons to go…..then gosh darn it, I’m going!  Well, after lots of mulling over, and plenty of sleepless nights, I’ve come up with 5 of ’em.  WooWoo!! 

So long city life, you’re not gonna catch me up in your rush hour meltdown anymore!  I’m no longer gonna have to deal with fertilizing those brown patches of grass in the winter!!  You won’t see me luggin’ that big-ass garbage can up & down my driveway again!!  I’m going to the coast where my kids have all moved, to live out my days with them & the Grandkids!!  Why, I told my Bossman today, that he can “Take This Job & Shove It”!!

Ya know why?  ‘Cause I got 5 GOOD reasons to move to the beach!!

#1)  Why not?

#2)  Why not?

#C)  Why not?

#4)  Why not?

Holy crap!  I thought I had 5, what happened to #5?  DAMN!!  Guess I need to start unpacking……and, beg fer my job back!

Good-bye sand between my toes. Good-bye fresh air & warm ocean breeze. Good-bye bikini line. Good-bye Yacht Club. Good-bye easy life. Sniff, sniff…. Good-bye retirement. See ya at Christmas kids, hug the baby for me.

Copywrite Infringement?……Yes, please.

So, ya wanna use my shit?

Sure, here’re my house keys, just don’t rifle through my underwear drawer, Pervo.

Here’re my car keys, just bring it back with a full tank of gas, and don’t touch the change in the console there, Sticky Fingers.

Ya want my credit card? You got it, but you’ll have to pay the bill before you get any credit there, Money Bags.

Ya need some heels to fancy up that nightwalker outfit you’re so famous for? No problemo, just don’t scuff up the leather when you take that spill off your chair, Cheap Date.

Ya need to borrow some jeans? No issues, unless you pop the button off of them, Muffin Top.

Ya need to get laid? Hold on right there, what’s wrong with her husband, why ya need mine? Actually, come to think of it, take the Bastard! No, stop….don’t run away, I said you could keep him, Brokeback.

Ya wanna borrow a book? Sure thing, just don’t dog-ear the pages, Destructo.

What? You say you wanna take my writings for your own, without my consent? Uh, and continue to spread my mediocrity throughout the entire (literary) world, I think not! Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about using other people’s prose & quips, but that’s only ’cause they’re better than mine, I’m not Holier than Thou, you can just call me Humble.

My days of screwin’ the pooch are over!

So, as it would seem, I’ve done gone and screwed the proverbial pooch, again. Ugh…..Ahhhhhhh!!!!! I’ve told myself time and time again, never to let this happen! No good thing could possibly come if it!! It’s been years since it happened last, but, I remember it like it was yesterday. Oh, the humiliation……. After the accident, I didn’t drive for almost four months, and when I finally got back behind the wheel, I swore to myself that I would never, ever, allow that series of events to repeat itself!! Especially when it could’ve been soooo easily avoidable.

How the hell could I let this happen? I’m always prepared. I’ve been shopping for years, seemingly weekly, so that my greatest fear would never again be realized. I’m never without those staples needed, just to make sure that there was no way in hell……What the fuck!! Why, oh WHY, did I put this off? I knew that the time was drawing near. What exactly did I do yesterday that was so important? And, what do I do now??

Well, apparently as history has just repeated itself, I’m just gonna have to put on my big girl panties, and face the heaping pile that today, is my life. What a load of…..Ahhhhhh!!

Why didn’t I listen to my Mother? Why!?!? WHY??

Ok, stop! Compose yourself, and think….Think damn it! Ok, I’ve got two options: #1) I drive to work, for which I’m already prepared (big girl panties and all!), or, B) I walk, cause there’s no way in hell I’m risking another accident that leaves me laying in the street, being cared for by medical professionals, with a dirty thong!!

Now, let’s think about this, I can drive (and avoid the 28deg high for the day) if I can deal with the Granny panny hemi bulge under my expensively stylish pencil mini? Oh, hell to the no! Granny panny, panny line under my sleek pin-striped slacks? WTF!! Granny panny roll-up under my pantyhose, with anything? Am I really so desperate, that I would be willing to resort to any of these “options”?

Oooooohhhh!!! Screw it!!  I’ll carry the fucking detergent home on my back if I have to, but, I’ll tell you what, there’s no way in hell I’m driving!

 

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